"If You Were REALLY SORRY Then You Would ..."

Why Others Won't Accept Your Apology

Too often in relationships something goes wrong and a person gets hurt. At times it is intentional and other times it happens out of not paying attention to what is important. We end up failing another person and then attempt to express our apologies to that person. We humble ourselves, give an apology and then somehow it gets rejected, "You are not even sorry! If you were really sorry then you would ..."

Now you are really frustrated and the relationship is even more strained. Inside your head you are doing everything not fire back to them, "Did you not hear me?! Am I speaking another language?!" The walls go up and you want to give up. But don't give up yet! Here is a great tool of communication found in a book by Gary Chapman, The Five Languages of Apology. It turns out that perhaps you were speaking in a different language after all. Here are five ways people generally understand and communicate apology. There is a good chance you both are just not hearing each other they way you intended.

Words of regret. "I am sorry. I made you feel ... I feel terrible for what I have done to you." They need to see both genuine empathy towards them and genuine sorrow from you.

Making restitution. "How can I make things right? What can I do to fix what I have done?" They need everything fixed and made right again.

Admitting wrong. "I was wrong when I ..." They need For you to see that you acknowledge you were wrong.

Asking for forgiveness. "Will you forgive me for ..." They need to hear you specifically ask for forgiveness. This puts your relationship with them in their control because you broke it.

Repentance. Just change your attitude and behavior. No words just action. If you tell them anything then tell them, "I'll try not to do that again." And then share your plan to change and carry it out.

All in all, your apology has to be heartfelt and put the other person first, no matter what their language of apology is. For those who are attempting to apologize to you, grant them mercy as they are doing the best they can using their language to show their regret. Prayerfully forgive anyway. Perhaps share in a humble manner how you understand an apology and thank them for showing theirs.


Realize as well that some people are so hurt, even adding to their previous hurts, that they will not accept an apology, no matter what language you use. Express your apology anyway as best you can. Ask how they would understand your regret. If nothing then forgive them between you and the Lord and leave them in God's hands. Be glad the Lord has been merciful to you. "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13. 

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