Ray Rice and Domestic Violence

You have most likely heard, and even seen, of the video with NFL star Ray Rice punching his fiancée, now wife, and knocking her unconscious. His actions have prompted a major yellow flag - both the loss of his NFL contract and an indefinite suspension from the league. The reaction from the public has been just as harsh and has turned into a social media gang-tackle. It is mind-blowing that in just just one second of rage a whole career, worth tens of millions of dollars was fumbled and lost. This horrendous event was caught on a security camera and now broadcast to all of America. Ray Rice has gone from football hero to number one public enemy in a matter of hours. This now public account of a private incident stands as a stark reminder to all of us that domestic abuse is a significant problem in our society.  

The Frightening Numbers:

• 24 – the number of people per minute who experience intimate partner violence in the U.S.
• 1 in 4 - women in the U.S. report intimate partner violence.
• 1 in 7 - men in the U.S. report intimate partner violence. 
• #1 – cause of death for African American women ages 15-34.
• 1 in 3 - chance that a girl of high school age in the U.S. experiences violence in a dating relationship.
• 3 out of 4 - Americans personally knowing someone who is or has been abused.
• 35 – average number of times a woman is hit by her spouse before she will report to police her abuse. 

These statistics don’t even include child abuse or elderly abuse!

For Those Who Are Physically Abusing:

• Turn to Christ. He is the ONLY one who can change you and make you a person of peace. Ask Him to forgive you. Surrender your life to Him today. Seek His power to be changed forever. “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.” II Peter 1:3-4.
• Admit before God and another trusted person that what you are doing is wrong and that you need His help. No more blaming others for your actions. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” I John 1:9.
• Get godly help. Don’t go it alone. Find a friend who follows Christ. Cold call a pastor if you have to. “Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” II Timothy 2:22.
• Deal with the inner rage that has been there for a long time. Sit with another person and prayerfully walk through all the pain in your own life and forgive, person by person, verbally and aloud before the Lord, those who have injured you in the past. Forgiveness is your one true freedom from being a rage-aholic. “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32

For Those Who Are Being Physically Abused:

• Go somewhere where you can be physically safe. If you have children, protect them as well. Do not return until authorities have been contacted. 
• Report the incident. For your sake, your loved ones and for the one abusing you. It is against the law! You are blessed to live in a country where physical violence is illegal. Don’t worry about how it will injure their life and reputation. Their righteousness before God is far more important. The Lord will use this as His discipline. “The Lord disciplines those He loves.” Proverbs 3:17. 
• If you are not under immediate threat, warn your abuser, lovingly but directly, that you will contact authorities if you are ever hit again. Let them know that it is for your safety and for their good. 
• Get godly help. You were not intended to walk through such pain alone. You will need to hear words of encouragement and truth from God. 
• Forgive that person between you and the Lord. You may even want to have a trusted godly friend to pray along with you. Take every abuse and bring it before God. Share your pain and hand it over to Him once and for all. Forgiving them before the Lord frees you and puts them into His hands – that can be a very scary for them place to be. “… forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13. 
• Reject the notion that you deserved the abuse. No one deserves it. 
• Let God change them, not you. Remember that you are not God. They need His help and not yours. “A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty; rescue them, and you will have to do it again.” Proverbs 19:19. 
• If you are not married, then leave them until you see significant change over a period of time - apart from you. “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered,” Proverbs 22:24.

Personal Freedom

As one who grew up in a home filled with domestic violence, I always struggled with the thought I was doomed myself of being a rage-aholic. The probability of me repeating such behavior was extremely high. I watched continually my mother being beaten by an alcoholic step-father. At one time I even tried to step in the way and block the punch. As a six year old, I didn’t fair so well. It was a knockout punch. At least mom didn’t get hit that time. She eventually was hospitalized and suffers permanent damage from one particular beating. For us children it was safer to be out of the home than in it. As I became older it began to frighten me that I too would become a raging violent person that I had grown up around. We all fought. We all yelled. We all raged. It was the norm for our family.   

When I gave my life to Christ in my later teens I began to notice a significant difference in my heart. And yet even then, the silent fear still lingered of losing it all in a fit of rage. As a result, I avoided close relationships. I feared marriage most of all - and even worse, I feared becoming a parent. I didn’t want to hurt anyone so it seemed best to avoid anything intimate. I lived in that fear for several years until a mentor in seminary taught me about the freedom found in forgiveness. I will never forget sitting and praying through a list of every hurt I can remember. Through much weeping and surrender of long held anger the Lord had set me free. It was unimaginable and life changing. All the anger, all the pain and all the fear gone. Forever. I can look back at all that happened with a peace, a smile and an occasional sadness.

I’m married now with five children and all of us are still alive. Yes, I’ve been frustrated to no end but by His grace I have never found myself in a rage, (maybe yelling a bit.) That is clearly an act of God. There is no way I could have changed without God’s direct intervention in my messed up heart. I still struggle with anger but the deep rage is all gone. And all I did was forgive, once and for all. He brought the healing that I never thought possible. 

More good news in all this – my stepfather came to Christ years later and became a radically changed man. Jesus can change you as well. You are not an exception to the great work of Christ. Neither is Ray Rice. I am pleased to hear that he has openly admitted his wrong before the video came out and is seeking help alongside his wife.